Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
