So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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