This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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