i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
