so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
