It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
