just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I could fuck to npr.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
