Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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