Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
