if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
