Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
