I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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