Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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