i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
