Don't make out with my wife yet
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
