No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
