I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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