I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
