so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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