When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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