Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
