non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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