I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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