I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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