the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She even gives head with a lisp.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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