Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
