I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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