If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
