I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it's like iHOP with fire
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
