I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize