I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
