I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
