i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
