No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
