Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
