Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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