Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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