I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
