I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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