I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
