Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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