nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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