I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
