don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
