I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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