Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
