I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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