final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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