Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
