sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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