Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
