He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
