I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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