I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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