Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
