My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
