The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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