i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
